(Published December 2013) These are my thoughts from May 2013. I am not sure why I didn’t publish this at that time, but I do think this short entry is worthy of sharing now.
I’ve started crying every time I think about my cancer treatment. Where I once (up until a few weeks ago) could talk about anything and everything related to my treatment, I now prefer to change the subject.
Although my physical appearance came out better than I imagined, I still don’t have the body I had before. One nipple is burned brown and looks too big for my boob. I feel self conscious about my fresh, curly locks. I have hair-yay!-but it’s unruly and not styled and it’s just not “Me” and how I want to present my (physical) self. I also get hot flashes. At first I just blamed it on living in Florida and those moments when the thermostat needs to catch up with the ambient room temperature. When I started waking up covered in sweat, sometimes to the point that I had to change my sheets, I finally remembered that one side effect of Tamoxifen is having hot flashes. I certainly have a newfound appreciation for those of you who experience hot flashes during menopause! They are NO FUN!
That being said, when I think about the physical treatments I received and the physical results on my body, I cry. I can’t decipher if these are tears of relief and joy for being alive, or maybe they are tears of grief, the tears that I didn’t cry at the time of my treatments as I tried to be stoic for those around me. Or perhaps my tears are those of a heartbroken and betrayed woman.
Cathy Kenney 
Merry Christmas to you. I read your words today-this beautiful day after Christmas- from May and I think it is healthy to purge your feelings and senses. Kitty, you have been through a good deal of physical, emotional and personal loss. So? Ok now this is the deal: Feelings are just that feelings nothing more or less. It is good for the world that you are alive and loving your Horse and other of natures wonders; whatever you do. I pray that you will become as whole as you need to be and that you will see your personal beauty and what you have to offer to the universe. are you involved in any volunteer work associated with Cancer/other? You have a bounty of experiences and knowledge to share with others. You are prayed for and loved. Lynda
Thanks Lynda! I really think that writing about how I feel is quite healing! This was an old blog post I never posted, and I don’t know why. I am guessing I planned an addendum, but now it seems perfect in it’s rendition of my psychological state in May. I couldn’t illustrate my feelings from May like this now.
As far as getting involved in the community, I am a busy bee. I am a board member with an organization which assists developmentally disabled adults, and am greatly looking forward to this upcoming year. I am joining Junior League of Sarasota. I spend time with my animals, although not nearly enough – we go trail hiking and just hang out together. I will be riding as much as Ben’s joints allow me throughout the winter. I work full-time. And I have found a wonderful center for cancer patients and their families called the Center for Building Hope in Sarasota. It is an amazingly safe and loving place to go, and I attend their evening yoga class whenever my schedule permits. So my schedule is chock full of positive, productive, and forward-looking activities. In addition, I am surrounding myself with great, kind people, as I am so fortunate to typically do!
Thanks for your kind and caring words,
~Cathy